Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funny bit comes courtesy of my pal, Cookie

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego the day before Thanksgiving and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!” She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

I don’t carry a gun …

… to kill people. I carry a gun to keep from being killed.

I don’t carry a gun to scare people. I carry a gun because sometimes this world can be a scary place.

I don’t carry a gun because I’m paranoid. I carry a gun because there are real threats in the world.

I don’t carry a gun because I’m evil. I carry a gun because I have lived long enough to see the evil in the world.

I don’t carry a gun because I hate the government. I carry a gun because I understand the limitations of government.

I don’t carry a gun because I’m angry. I carry a gun so that I don’t have to spend the rest of my life hating myself for failing to be prepared.

I don’t carry a gun because my sex organs are too small. I carry a gun because I want to continue to use those sex organs for the purpose for which they were intended for a good long time to come.

I don’t carry a gun because I want to shoot someone. I carry a gun because I want to die at a ripe old age in my bed, and not on a sidewalk somewhere tomorrow afternoon.

I don’t carry a gun because I’m a cowboy. I carry a gun because, when I die and go to heaven, I want to be a cowboy.

I don’t carry a gun to make me feel like a man. I carry a gun because men know how to take care of themselves and the ones they love.

I don’t carry a gun because I feel inadequate. I carry a gun because unarmed and facing three armed thugs, I am inadequate.

I don’t carry a gun because I love it. I carry a gun because I love life and the people who make it meaningful to me.

H/T: Jo’s Cafe and Front Sight, Press

Quotes for Football Fans

My mother just sent me this one:

#1. ‘Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas ‘ - Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.

#2. ‘After you retire, there’s only one big event left… and I ain’t ready for that.’ - Bobby Bowden / Florida State

#3. ‘The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.’ - Lou Holtz / Arkansas

#4. ‘When you win, nothing hurts.’ - Joe Namath / Alabama

#5. ‘Motivation is simple.. You eliminate those who are not motivated.’ - Lou Holtz / Arkansas

#6. ‘If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know the password, ‘Roll, tide, roll!’ - Bear Bryant / Alabama

#7. ‘A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.’ - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

#8. ‘There’s nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.’ - Woody Hayes / Ohio State

#9. ‘I don’t expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.’ - Bob Devaney / Nebraska

#10. ‘In Alabama , an atheist is someone who doesn’t believe in Bear Bryant.’ - Wally Butts / Georgia

#11. ‘You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life.’ - Paul Dietzel / LSU

#12. ‘It’s kind of hard to rally around a math class.’ - Bear Bryant / Alabama

#13. When asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world. ‘No, but you can see it from here.’ - Lou Holtz / Arkansas …

#14. ‘I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game.’ - Bear Bryant / Alabama

#15. ‘There’s one sure way to stop us from scoring- give us the ball near the goal line.’ - Matty Bell / SMU

#16. ‘Lads, you’re not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died.’ - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

#17. ‘I never graduated from Iowa , but I was only there for two terms - Truman’s and Eisenhower’s.’ - Alex Karras / Iowa

#18. ‘My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor.’ -Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

#19. ‘I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades.’ - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

#20. ‘Always remember… Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.’ - Shug Jordan / Auburn

#21. ‘They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that’s real small pieces’ - Darrell Royal / Texas

#22. ‘Show me a good and gracious loser, and I’ll show you a failure.’ - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

#23. ‘They whipped us like a tied up goat.’ - Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

#24. ‘I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn’t recruit me and he said: ‘Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren’t any good.’ - Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

#25. ‘Son, you’ve got a good engine, but your hands aren’t on the steering wheel.’ - Bobby Bowden / Florida State

#26. ‘Football is not a contact sport - it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.’ - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

#27. After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his postgame message to his team: ‘All those who need showers, take them.’ - John McKay / USC

#28. ‘If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.’ - Murray Warmath / Minnesota

#29. ‘The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb.’ - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

#30. ‘Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon.’ - Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

#31. ‘It isn’t necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it.’ - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

#32. ‘We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches.’ - Darrell Royal / Texas

#33. ‘We didn’t tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking.’ - Wilson Matthews / Little Rock Central High School

#34. ‘Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad.’ - Darrell Royal / University of Texas

#35. ‘I’ve found that prayers work best when you have big players.’ - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

#36. ‘Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football.’ - John Heisman

Bama vs Mississippi State Wallpaper

Here’s this week’s wallpaper:

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Will you meet me under the Liberty Tree?

This morning I received an invitation from my Cotillion sister, Beth of Blue Star Chronicles:

Defend Liberty

An Allegory to Liberty

Do you remember The Liberty Tree and the story that surrounds it? There was an old elm tree that stood in Boston Commons in the days before the American Revolution. It was a beautiful old tree that became a real rallying point – a symbol really - for the growing resistance to the rule of England over the feisty American colonies. Called ‘The Liberty Tree,’ it was often decorated with banners and lanterns by ‘the resisters’ and used in communicating their secret messages to each other. Their meetings were regularly held there to express views against the Crown and to vent frustrated emotions.

When the news of The Liberty Tree spread throughout the colonies, local patriots in each of the 13 colonies formed a ‘Sons of Liberty’ group (or network of sorts) and identified a large tree to be used as a meeting place. In those times, holding an unauthorized assembly was really dangerous business that carried threats of imprisonment or death so the usual places to plot and plan were out of the question. But, the casual appearance of a group chatting beneath a tree seemed much, much safer!

As resistance to the British grew, flags bearing a representation of The Liberty Tree were flown to symbolize the unwavering spirit of liberty itself. These flags were later a common sight during the battles of the American Revolution.

The British made The Liberty Tree an object of great ridicule and scorn. However, the ridicule and scorn were simply ‘just words’ and many from that day forward said it was under The Liberty Tree that America was born, giving its sons and daughters a legacy of liberty.

Liberty is Under Attack

Today, our country faces a threat from abroad and a threat - in the form of ideological conflict - from within. With the coming of a new administration and the promise of a more bloated and opportunistic government, the need for citizens to resist complacency and to let their voices be heard, has led to a rekindling of the spirit that founded The Sons (and Daughters) of Liberty.

We at Right Pundits have established a network comprised of blogging patriots who understand that it is the duty of each of us to champion the principles of liberty, freedom, an educated engaged citizenry and representative government. Our network is called ‘The Liberty Tree’ and we are asking you to join us!

In becoming a member of The Liberty Tree Network, you will join an informed community of bloggers that, instead of offering nothing but clever yet empty rhetoric, will actively support and promote liberty, civic responsibility, national security, and the American heritage as our Founding Fathers intended.

We will actively work to expose lies and propaganda of incoming administration and the main stream media while being diligent to maintain honor, truthfulness and integrity in our own reporting.

Join The Liberty Tree Network Today!

The Liberty Tree Network uses a feature of feedburner that allows blogs to group their posts together into a common “network feed.” This feed is separate from your normal feedburner feed which remains on your blog. The latest posts from network members will display on all member sites who place the feed on their blog, so for a short time each of your posts will be highly visible across the network. See what the display looks like in the lower right sidebar on this page.

First step is to put the network feed by copying this code to your blog:
[ get the code at http://www.rightpundits.com/?page_id=2379 ]

Second, Email us at libertytree [at] rightpundits [dot] com and we will send you an invitation to add your own feed into the list. Once you are added to the network, your blog posts will be seen on all the member blogs. You must have a feedburner feed for this to work.

Participation in The Liberty Tree requires that you display the code on your blog, preferably your homepage for the benefit of all members. The code is configured to display the 5 latest posts from the network, but you can choose to increase that number. This will always be the latest posts regardless of who made them.

Who will stand with me?

News of Fravia+

I received an email from Father Luke this morning with news that a mutual friend has fallen ill … Fravia+. According to a post on his site, he was diagnosed a little over a year ago with a tumor — a metastatic squamous cell carcinoma of the neck, to be exact. He has had many months of therapy and will be undergoing various operations and experimental chemotherapy to try to slow the tumor’s growth.

On his site he quotes, “Si sta / come d’autunno / sugli alberi le foglie.” This loosely means “We are as the leaves that cling to the branch in Autumn”, an Italian poem “Soldati” by Giuseppe Ungaretti. It’s about life, fall, uncertainty and things passing by. Fravia+ is uncertain of his chances of survival.

Something that had impressed me — for every occasion, his quotes and teachings contained poignant messages with deeper meaning.

While we’ve lost touch over the years, he is someone I have always respected. You see, way back when I was an “internet youngling”, I considered Fravia+ to be a teacher and friend, and I’m deeply saddened by the news of his illness.

Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers.

Seen in a 5 Pts pawn shop

You can’t see it in this fuzzy pic, but the pin has a #1 on it.

I think I need one of these for my desk here at work!

Friday football funny

Scott Allan sent me this one

Police report in Baton Rouge:

Baton Rouge Police reported that an individual attempted to “egg” Coach Les Miles home last night.

The report stated:

An empty egg carton was recovered at the scene. Two eggs hit Coach Miles house, 3 eggs went over his house and hit his neighbor’s back door, 2 eggs hit the houses of each of his next door neighbors, and the remaining 3 eggs were found broken on the ground near the carton from where the individual threw them. Looking at what was hit, police officials say they are considering quarterback Jarrett Lee as the primary suspect.

Rich, our resident LSU fan, confirmed that this is true. *g*

links for 2008-11-13

• Google Flu Trends
  This is neat — not only can you see the current flu trends for each state, you can also access previous years' trends to see where it spiked (and probably expect the same this year).
  (tags: google flu health visualization trends statistics technology Tools web medicine monitoring science reference online OnlineTools)

Enough with the fuzzy already!

As a boot lover, I’m so happy that it’s now Fall and almost Winter. It’s BOOT SEASON!!!!

Ok, yeah … not that I don’t wear boots year ’round, but hey …

I’d decided a couple of weeks ago that I needed a new pair of “work boots” (presentable enough for work but rugged enough to last longer than 3 months). With Black Friday just a couple of weeks away, I’ve been scanning my favorite shoe maker sites looking for ideas. Jessie was looking with me this morning and pointed to a pair of UGG Boots. Not my cup of tea, but I have noticed a LOT of “fuzzy boots” in stores last year and this year.

What’s the appeal there? I just don’t get it. Keep the fuzzy stuff, gimme a nice pair of knee-high leather boots with reinforced heals and toes — preferably steel!

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