Today’s funny bits come courtesy of Cookie:

Bubba’s 21st Birthday

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Bubba’s 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat … and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. “Grandma,” he asked, “it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk ‘cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?”

Granny looked deeply into Bubba’s troubled eyes and said, “Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July , you frickin’ idiot.”

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

‘Do you enjoy it?’ The doctor asked. ‘ Well actually, yes, I do.’, she exclaimed.

‘Does it hurt you?’ he asked. ‘No. I rather like it.’

‘Well, then,’ the doctor continued, ‘there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.’

The woman was mystified….’What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?’

‘Of course,’ the doctor replied. ‘Where do you think politicians come from’?

I know I drive some of my clients crazy when I do this, but sometimes it helps that I’m “extremely detail-oriented” (that’s PC for anal-retentive bitch). I had a client email me earlier this week with a laundry list of changes that she wanted made to her organization’s site. (quick history: this client is notorious for requesting large or extensive site changes and needing them literally “tomorrow”)

The list was broken up into several PDFs containing screenshots of the website and what I interpreted were change requests … or, at least some of them I could interpret. There was one PDF, not too huge, about 15 pages … mostly containing links. The problem wasn’t that I had a problem removing them, it was that it was never made clear in any of the documentation that the client wanted old links, bad links, etc. removed. One would assume that they would want them removed, but considering that my personal history in dealing with this client is that they are notorious for wanting content removed and not an hour later wanting it restored. I’m serious. They have no concept whatsoever for budgeting and planning ahead and request most everything at the very last minute.

Many times, I have wanted to reach through the phone and strangle one of these people!

So anyways, rather than spend the next few days going back and forth by email, I printed out every page of every PDF that they sent me, requested clarification for every (what I would assume was a) request and scanned them into a PDF and mailed it back to the client. My co-workers found this funny and I joked about feeling like “being an asshole” … but an email I received a few minutes ago confirmed what my intuition had already told me — indeed they did not want large chunks of their website content deleted.

Gee, what a surprise.

So most people think I’m a real pain the ass when it comes to my job, but experience has taught me this: get everything in writing and make sure it is absolutely CLEAR on exactly what’s to be done with the content I’m handling.

Today’s funny comes courtesy of my mother:

Post Turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.

The old rancher said, “Well, ya know, Obama is a ‘post turtle’.” Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was. The old rancher said, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a ‘post turtle’.”

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain. “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a person put him up there.”

These two funny bits come courtesy of Cookie:

Sportsmanship……

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?” The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?” Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, “And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb ass’ is it?” Again the little boy nodded.

“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”

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Father, Super Dog…able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

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Looks like a rat . Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

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Also 1 gay bull for sale.

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GEORGIA PEACHES
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! JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake . Call Stephanie.

And the best one:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition..
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month.
Wife knows everything.

And this one comes courtesy of my mother:

A teacher in Elmira , New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different..

Little Johnny says, ‘Because I’m not an Obama fan.’ The teacher says, ‘Why aren’t you an Obama fan?’ Johnny says, ‘Because I’m a Republican.’ The teacher asks him why he’s a Republican. Little Johnny answered, ‘Well, my mom’s a Republican and my dad’s a Republican, so I’m a Republican’ The teacher asks, ‘If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?’

With a big smile, Little Johnny replies, ‘That would make me an Obama fan.’

I totally lost all composure while reading this just now at work:

That’s it! I can’t do anything else today. I simply can’t work anymore in this condition. I’m powerless against the charms of “NOM“.

Oh, and now I got that stupid song in my head … and you do too, don’t you?