Today’s slice o’ funny bits comes courtesy of one of my co-workers:
Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!
Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the Bible even a little, you’ll find this hilarious!
It comes from a catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not be en retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.
1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
7. Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients .
8, The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
9. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada . Then Joshua led the Hebrews In The Battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you.He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The Epistels were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, ‘How many women can a man marry?’
‘Sixteen,’ the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly by ‘How do you know that?’
‘Easy,’ the little boy said. ‘All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.’
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, ‘Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.’
‘That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?’
‘Well,’ said the little boy, ‘I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.’
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord’s Prayer at a church service, ‘And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us.’
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. ‘How do you know what to say?’ he asked.
‘Why, God tells me.’
‘Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?’
A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, ‘Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?’
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, ‘That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!’
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
‘The Flight to Egypt ,’ was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, ‘That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who’s the fourth person?’
‘Oh, that’s Pontius - the pilot!’
The Sunday School Teacher asks, ‘Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?’
‘No sir,’ little Johnny replies, I don’t have to. My mom is a good cook.’
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, ‘I descend into hell!’ A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, ‘I descend into hell!’ the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: ‘Hallelujah! Hell is full!’
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, ‘Grandpa, did God make you?’
‘Yes, sweetheart,’ he answered, ‘God made me a long time ago.’
‘Oh,’ she paused, ‘grandpa, did God make me too?’
‘Yes, indeed, honey,’ he said, ‘God made you just a little while ago.’
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, ‘God’s getting better at it, isn’t he ?’
Last week, I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, “God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!”
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, “That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!”
Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, “Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?”
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my son and said, “I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.”
“Really?” my son asked.
“Cross my heart,” the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), “Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.”
Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, “Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul is good already.”
These two are from my friend Barb:
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, “OK, I’m in deep trouble now!” Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.” Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dachshund nearly had me.” Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.” Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet … and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says, “Where’s that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.”
Shame, Shame, Shame
A man placed some silk flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”
The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied: “My wife’s first husband.”
Last but certainly not least, this little cutie comes courtesy of Right Wing Sparkle:
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba’s neighbors were Catholic….and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass…..and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, ‘You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.’
Bubba’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Bubba’s yard clutching a rosary preparing to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: ‘You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.’
Between my birthday and all the crazy stuff going on at work, I totally forgot about this yesterday. Bad me. ;P
Without further ado … from the lovely Miranda:
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?” “Because white is the color of happiness,” her mother explained. “And today is the happiest day in her life.” The child thought about this for a moment.
“So why is the groom wearing black?”
That so sounds like Jessie.
A preacher was standing at the pulpit giving his Sunday sermon when a note was passed to him. The only word written on the sheet was IDIOT. Looking up at the congregation, the preacher smiled and said, “I have heard of men who write letters and forget to sign their names but this is the first time I will see a man sign his name and forget to write the letters.”
