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I’m on a treadmill

Ever feel like you’re doing lots of running, but going nowhere? Yeah that’s been me lately!

I know things have been a little too quiet on here over the past few months. Rest assured, overall things are better … not outstanding, but better than they were. Things between me and Jim are a lot better. We’re not “fixed” by any means, but we’re talking a lot more, fighting less, and things have moved forward in a positive light. In fact, we’re actually working on the house again and hope to have it back on the market pretty soon.

We’ve order new furniture — I’m REALLY excited about that! We’re getting a new couch and a “lift top” coffee table. It’s basically a normal-looking table where the top lifts up, to like a dining or normal utility table. My mother-in-law has one and I have always LOVED hers. I had no idea that these things are available pretty much anywhere, you just needed to ask for it by that name. So I’m stoked!

Geekery

With our tax return money, Jim’s upgraded his PC with a smokin’ hawt processor and two new graphics cards. Me, I got a new laptop — an Asus G72Gx-X1. It’s an Intel quad-core with 6Gb of RAM on Windows 7 64-bit. It has a nice 17″ screen and 640Gb of storage space (more than enough to store my old data and anything new I need). I still need to replace my old backup drive that ate itself (lucky me, my husband recovered everything!), but am so far really pleased with my setup. It’s very shiny and HAWT!

hehehe, I can’t wait to show it off at the next LAN party!

I’ve been really happy with Asus’ laptops over the years. My old one is going to Jessie, so of course she’s excited. This also helps as a motivational tool with her grades. So far, she has done REALLY well this year and has stayed on the Honor Roll. We talked to her before letting her know that my old laptop would be hers, and expressed quite plainly that if her grades fell, this would be one of the first privileges taken away. It’s tons faster/newer than her old tower PC (my old green monster, sniff!) and would handle Aion so much better, so she’s really stoked about that!

Jess and I spend a lot of time in Aion nowadays. Jim reached level 50 on his main and “took a break” — meaning he got bored with it and will probably come back when the 1.9-2.0 patches come out. Me, I’m still loving every minute of it. Jess too — she’s already maxed out on alts, LOL! I joined a really great guild named Rogue. They are pretty active and laid back and even have both Asmodian and Elyos members, so it’s pretty cool to chat on their forums and vent with players from both factions.

Work stuff

Things at work have gotten busier. Hehe, I didn’t think that was possible. I’ve gained new responsibilities, which is a good thing, but I’m tons busier now than I was so that means pretty much no free time at work. Oh well, the pay is nice and I really like my work environment. My co-workers are good people and am learning tons, so that all makes it worth it in the grand scheme of things.

There are times that I miss UAB … but hearing from friends about how things are now, I’m glad (overall) that I’m no longer in that mess.

Jim’s still looking. The IT market here is still a huge sucking black hole, but I’m seeing more jobs in the paper now than there were 6-9 months ago, so I’m taking that as a good sign. Of course Jim’s over-qualified for 99% of them and so I think that’s why he doesn’t get any call-backs.

I think sometimes he resents me because I’m working and he’s not. Had I known then what I know now, I would have insisted HE interview for my job and me stay at home. Oh well, him being at home has been a real blessing. Jessie loves spending more time with him — and it means that on days where we have her, she doesn’t have to deal with her mother at all.

She and her mother aren’t getting along any better. I think she “endures” her mother as best she can (and can relate), so we try not to be too hard on her when she and her mom have spats. Her mother isn’t the easiest woman to get along with and considering her mother’s mental state and past history, Jessie does a damned fine job if you ask me. I see a lot of my father in her mother, and pray like Hell that she grows up to be better than me, than how I turned out.

I think she will be. Jessie’s very strong-willed and she amazes me every day with how smart and perceptive she is. She’s getting tall too. I can’t believe she’ll be 13 soon. Seems like only yesterday she was 4 years old and running around my house casting Harry Potter spells.

She was SO CUTE!

She’s already wearing makeup and having her monthly visitor. She’s more into boys and video games than cartoons and karate now. And like I mentioned before, she’s doing very well in school. She has new friends that she texts almost every day. She’s blossoming into a wholly new little person and I feel blessed to be able to just be part of her life and to see it happening.

I tell her all the time that she and Jim were the best thing to ever happen to me. I don’t think she believes me, hehe.

More family stuff

Things between me and my father have digressed pretty much back to not-speaking. My mother and I are getting along better, as long as we avoid certain topics … like my husband, and him not working. If I bring Jim up in conversation, she changes the subject.

Ah, just like old times …

I don’t think I really talked about Thanksgiving and Christmas on here. Things were bad enough because of the problems Jim and I are having … and I think they were made worse with our visits to my family. Both Thanksgiving and Christmas my father ignored us. I mean sitting down in another room, pretending to be oblivious to anyone or anything around him, not speaking to any of us when we spoke to him, ignoring us. Both holidays, we went over there and that’s what he did — he went into the TV room, sat in “his” chair and said nothing to any of us. What pissed me off was that when my brother and his family came over, he would get up, be lively and interact with them, and as soon as they left, he went back to his chair in that room.

I was humiliated, and furious. And quite honestly am thinking of not seeing my parents any more during the holidays. I know that doing this will hurt my mother, and will probably damage our relationship further; but I cannot and will not continue to be ignored, looked down upon, or have my family be treated like we’re a bunch of second-rate citizens. Honestly, just thinking about it right now is raising my blood pressure and making me very angry.

Maybe I still have unresolved issues. Maybe my father is just an asshole. Either way, I’ve decided not to put my husband and daughter, whom I love more than life itself, through that any more.

So, how are you doing?

A few of you I’ve heard from off the blog. I really miss interacting with everyone and would love to hear how y’all are doing. Please feel free to comment below, or just holler at me via email!

Aionfox issues with Firefox 3.6

This post is long overdue, I know. :p

Shortly after updating and resubmitting my Aionfox addon to the AMO sandbox, I realized that changes in the way Firefox 3.6 handles addons prevented it from functioning properly. (or at all). I’m in the process of researching this but free time has been scarce lately — things at work are uber-busy right now. Rest assured, I’m aware of the issue and plan to fix it.

For the time being, Aionfox version 1.0 works just fine in Firefox 3.5. If you had it installed previously before upgrading to Firefox 3.6 you can enable it via the Nightly Tester Tools. As it stands, version 1.1 does not work in Firefox 3.6. Considering it’s going to have to be pretty much re-written from scratch I’m most likely going to pull it from the development queue and take another look at the localization while I’m re-coding.

Note: I’ll be needing beta testers and will announce via Twitter and Facebook when the next version is ready for testing!

Want to try out Aion before buying?

NCsoft has announced a new a “Refer-a-Friend” program which allows current players to invite friends to try out an Aion demo account.

YAY!

So here’s what you need to know:

Aion demo accounts are good for 3 days, 5 hours, or level 7 — whichever is reached first. After that point, the Aion demo account expires. All of your character information and progress is retained so that if you decide to buy the game, you can continue from there. You can buy Aion from the NCsoft Store or any participating retailers.

Interested?

Contact me with your email address!

Grouping Manners or Common Sense? (Aion)

The concept of MMOs is one with which I’ve been familiar for quite some time. I’ve tried a few over the years but never had one win me over like Aion has. That said, I will admit that even though I’ve learned quite a bit about the MMO culture over the years, I was quite unaware of many nuances that you don’t really pick up on unless you really sit down and PLAY. For instance, grouping and manners — or a general lack thereof by many players I’ve encountered. Granted, most of those I grouped with in the closed beta events were better mannered than some I’ve run across since Aion’s release, I think overall it’s because no one really says anything to those who cross these unwritten/unspoken boundaries.

To me, most of these seem pretty common sense and are of course my own opinion, but I am always open to hear the views of other players!

Leaders: Lay down the ground rules before you begin

I’d have to say without a doubt that one of the best groups I’ve been in is one where the group leader laid down the ground rules before beginning the instance. He made clear what the group’s goals were, asked where everyone was on which quests (or who needed what, etc.), and stated what the loot distribution method would be.

You would think everyone would be that clear, but I think many group leaders just “wing it” or make it up as they go, and/or assume that everyone is on the same page. This is not always the case and a good leader should be clear, IMO.

Players: Don’t roll on it if you can’t use it

This isn’t practiced by everyone, but personally I consider it bad manners to roll on an item that you can’t use. If there is someone in your group that can use it, hit Pass. He/She should be the one to roll on it.

That said, if no one in the group can use the item, then I say “greed it” — let the whole group roll because whoever gets it is going to sell it. I’m not opposed to making a profit in-game, but courtesy should come first.

Leaders: Mark your targets

It should go without saying that this should apply where necessary. It should also go without saying that as a leader of a group, you should be clear on the attack strategy and make your plans known, but this isn’t always the case. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve grouped with people for an instance and be yelled at for hitting the wrong mob.

Leaders, if you plan on implementing some means of CC, make sure everyone knows which targets to hit, which to root or sleep (CC), and if needed, the priority of targets.

I’m a Ranger. I have limited CC. Well, actually, I have only one: the Sleep Arrow. Some mobs resist it, but when it works it’s great. The drawback is that it has a cooldown time of 3 minutes. A good leader should take this into account and plan attacks accordingly, whether by waiting until I can CC again, or if another player is able to do so, have them take the next one.

Players: You, too, can res

Most groups, if not all, have a healer. Healers are good, mmmkay? Healers can save your skin if you are caught off-guard by a nasty mob, they can heal you or even res you if said mob BAFs and snuffs you out. I love healers. Buffs and heals rule.

But what if your healer gets zapped?

Here is where I think other classes should take a little extra effort to help them out: stock up on res stones. You can get them from any General Goods Merchant (after you’ve ascended of course). I never go anywhere without them. Granted, you can’t res yourself with one, but if your healer gets wiped out, you can come to his/her rescue with one of those handy things. Plus, if your healer is busy attending to another matter (say, healing your tank who’s keeping the boss turned around away from the rest of the group so everyone isn’t wiped out!), you can lend a hand if another group member has fallen and needs to be brought back to the land of the living.

Leaders: Take frequent mana breaks

This is a personal pet-peeve of mine. Granted, I am not a healer, so I am not as dependent as they are, but many of my self-buffs and “special” skills take a lot of MP. When I run out, I’m reduced to very few attack options.

Leaders, please, keep an eye on your group members’ levels and take breaks where/when convenient. Your heals/DPS people will thank you for it.

You: Have other ideas?

Leave a note in the comments form below and let me know what you think!

This so reminds me of Hobie

I can remember playing Descent and Doom years ago and she would lay on top of my monitor trying to “catch” things on the screen.

Soaked and sunburned, and zombies, and Aion

Wow, what a weekend. Right now I’m sitting here waiting out the remaining two hours until the Aion Head Start event. I figured this would be a good time as any to post a few things.

Jess, Teresa and I spent yesterday in T’town. We went down there to watch the Tide take on North Texas. Jim was originally supposed to go with us, but he was kind enough to stay home to get our house ready to show to some prospective buyers. (Which, funny enough, he neglected to tell me about until Friday night when I got home and was already mad as a hornet for having spent 2 hours in traffic!)

We picked Teresa up in McCalla and headed down I-59. It rained the entire time. Once we reached Tuscaloosa, finding a parking spot was pretty tricky. The university has taken over some parking lots that were once public to reserve for Tide Pride members. We got lucky and parked by some friends in nearby apartments.

Hooray for friends!

It rained and rained and RAINED. Even though all three of us were wearing ponchos, we were still soaked to the bone. We walked all over the quad, visited various shop tents and after watching the Million Dollar Band do their usual pre-game routine, slowly made our way to Bryant-Denny stadium. It was at this point that it FINALLY quit raining. With the exception of a few drops here or there, the weather was pretty nice for the rest of the day! We made our way into the stadium and up to our seats and tried our best to dry out. About halfway into the game, the sun made its grand entrance.

Of course, the sunscreen I had put on yesterday morning before leaving the house had washed off … so I’m a little sunburned. This is the first game I’ve ever attended where I’ve been soaked and sunburned in the same day! LOL!

It was all a great day of fun though. The Tide looked really good. The halftime show was great. The MDB played a tribute to Motown. IMO the best part was the finale … they played ‘Thriller’ by Michael Jackson. All of the color guard and dance teams put on some raggedy clothes and danced as zombies like in the original video. It was awesome!!

The Tide won 53-7, so pretty early in the second half a lot of people were leaving. The traffic going home was light compared to every other Bama game I’ve ever attended. We made it home long before dinner time and I happily napped as soon as I could get my tired and weary bones through the door and into the bed.

Today Jess left us to spend the next few days with her mother. She didn’t want to go (not that I blame her) but I tried to assure her that she wouldn’t miss much of the Aion head start and we’d see her again later this week. Our deal is that as long as her grades are up, she can play Aion. So far, that’s proving to be a GREAT motivator as far as school goes!

And speaking of Aion, I was able to get things sorted out with GoGamer. Our Aion packs arrived Friday afternoon. Jim and I ordered the Collector’s Edition, Jessie got the regular (and hers came in a very NICE tin!). Here’s a few pics I snapped that night after opening my box:

Incidentally, if you have also ordered the CE, you will want to read this article by The Aion Guy: How To Receive Your Aion Pre-Order Items!

Aion beta weekend: My thoughts

The final Aion closed beta weekend has now come and gone. I have had a TON of fun playing the last couple of months and absolutely CANNOT wait until the headstart! (those who’ve pre-ordered get to play a few days prior to game release, isn’t that cool?!)

Jim, Jess, and I played all weekend. Yesterday was Jessie’s birthday (my baby is now 12!!), so of course we let her stay up late all weekend so she could play with us a little more. She absolutely loves this game, and it has surprised me how well she’s taken to this MMO.

Such a smart little geekling. That’s my girl!

A funny moment: I was questing with a group in the Tursin Outpost last night and just had to announce, “My baby just got her Ascension quest! w00t!!”

Go ahead, laugh, it’s ok.

So, about the classes

When I signed out of my account last night, I was about halfway through Level 22 (Ranger). I had created a couple of other characters, but stayed with my main character, Minae, for the majority of the beta events. I know that by the time the headstart gets here, my account (along with those of all the other beta players) will be wiped out, and I will have to start over. I really liked my Ranger and think that for the time being, I will go that way again.

Jessie started out as a Ranger, but started over as a Sorcerer for this weekend. Overall, she found it an easier character to play and leveled much quicker. Jim, on the other hand, started as a Sorcerer and switched to Gladiator. Both of them had an easy time finding groups when it came to questing. Me, not so much. As with all MMOs, tanks and healers are going to be the most sought-after characters when it comes to grouping (whether for quests, PVE, PVP, etc.). No biggie for me, though. For now I’ll stick with my Ranger.

Note: For more info on classes and sub-classes in Aion, check the Aion website and Aion Armory (Aionsource).

Random acts of kindness

Most everyone I have run across while playing Aion have been great. There were many times when a passing healer would buff me or res me. In turn, I would res others when grouping or just the random player that I’d come across using the Elemental Stone of Resurrection (found in Verteron Citadel BTW!).

Personally, I love that! That’s an element of the game that I enjoy — the whole “community feel” aspect. Others helping others, and so on. Though not all players share my enthusiasm. You will occasionally get the one sour puss who, instead of politely saying thanks, will respond with, “No thanks, I can do this myself!” or a similar rude response.

‘To each his own’ I say. Me, I’m all about buffs and rezes!

I hate the seller spam

A part of me wishes that NCSoft hadn’t added a ‘private store’ option. Personally, I think this falls under the “Just Because You Can Doesn’t Mean You Should” category. One of the things I hated about playing Aion is flying or teleporting into a place and being bombarded with a thousand “Green Items for Sales!”, “Shop here now!”, and other similar seller spam messages.

I mean, come on … people, please, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, use the trade brokers!

In my opinion, NCSoft should setup a designated area specifically for those who want to open a private store. Or, give users the option of blocking said messages.

I will sometimes change channels just to clear up all the message spam!

Resources (link love!!)

Even though this game hasn’t been released in the US or UK yet, already there is a quickly-growing community of Aion fan and resource sites. Here are a few that I use fairly regularly:

• Aion PowerWiki – Found on the official Aion site, this is a recent addition to the site and they’ve been making an effort to add a lot of helpful info to it.
• AionSource – This site has a TON of helpful information on it. Whenever I have a question that I can’t find the answer to anywhere else, I check their forums!
• AionArmory – Owned by AionSource, this is a very handy repository of quests, NPCs, places, items, etc.
• Aionic Thoughts – I ran across this blog a few months back while researching the game. It’s updated frequently and usually has some pretty nice features posted.
• The Aion Guy – Found via Twitter, posts videos and other neat things to his blog.
• Aion Ladies – This is a new LJ community, for women (and well-behaved men) who play Aion.

Free free to share your fave links in the comments form below!

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s edition starts off with a couple of funnies from my pal Cookie:

Two old ladies, Maude and Mable, are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

“Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.”

The pharmacist fainted.

The balloonist

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

“She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”

“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be an Obama Democrat.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”

This one is from my friend Dave:

Saying Goodbye to Mother

You don’t have to own a cat to appreciate this one! You don’t even have to like ‘em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, ‘He’s just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.’

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. ‘Sorry I took so long,’ I said, as we drove away. ‘That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

Moral: Make sure your stories match!!

This one is from Uncle Monster:

And this one is from one of my co-workers:

I never knew the Dark Side could dance like that!

Why so serious?

I know I’ve been pretty quiet lately. There’s been a lot going on lately, and I’ve been unplugging more and more to deal with everything going on. There’s plenty of family drama going on with Jim’s ex … but that isn’t exactly anything new is it? Work is still going ok I guess. Two people in my department turned in their notices, so things will be a little tight for a while until the new hires (myself included) are brought up to speed. Jim is still out of work, so that’s definitely putting a strain on things. I’m really hoping he’ll be hired on where I’m working, but I haven’t received a definitive answer one way or the other if the company allows nepotism.

Over the last few months, I’ve been busying myself with various things — escapes, if you will. I finally finished Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse series, and have made it a little over halfway through Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series. I really liked the first book, but the second one was VERY hard to read. I’m now halfway through the third, but haven’t picked it up in several weeks. I’ve picked up handful of other books that have been recommended to me by various people, but haven’t started on any of them.

Call me a fangirl

I’ve been taking a break from reading to delve wholly into my latest obsession — Aion: The Tower of Eternity. It’s a new MMORPG by NCsoft (makers of Lineage, Heroes, Guild Wars, etc.). It’s due to release in September. Jim and I have participated in the last two closed betas and I am absolutely loving it. (so much so that I’ve set a screenshot of my character as my iPhone wallpaper *g*) It’s a visually stunning game, and I absolutely adore the soundtrack.

I’ve all but quit my other online gaming and will most likely play Aion exclusively once it’s released. Both Jim and I have pre-ordered and Jessie, after watching me play all this weekend, has asked if she could also play. She went into detail about the class and character name that she’s already chosen. Jim and I talked about it, and if she keeps her grades up, we’ll pay her subscription fees so that she can play with us.

It’s kind of funny … Jim recruited me, I recruited a couple of guys from work, and we’ve both inadvertently recruited Jessie … all to play Aion. I’ve had a few WoW buddies also express interest in playing. I think once it’s released, Aion will give WoW a serious run for its money.

Appreciation — the gift that gives back

One really great thing about working where I am now, I see a LOT more soldiers and vets! After being there just a couple of days, I learned to keep an extra stack of Soldiers’ Angels cards at my desk just in case I see a group in the mall. I also keep a stack in my car because I often will come across some when out and about running errands and/or grabbing lunch.

A couple of weeks ago, I had gone out to lunch with some of my coworkers. As we entered the restaurant, I ran across a soldier who was getting ready to leave. He politely spoke with me for a few minutes when I stopped to thank him for his service. His response was similar to that I’ve heard from several soldiers and vets: “Thank you, I wish more people felt the way you do.”

I assured him that most people appreciate their efforts and definitely support our military. So many people that I’ve talked to over the past year say that they want to help … they just don’t know how. While I encourage folks to look over the Soldiers’ Angels website and consider joining, I always stress making their support known. It doesn’t take much — if you see a soldier in uniform, or a veteran, walk up and say, “Thank you for your service.”

That’s it. No big elaborate speech or presentation necessary. Most people will politely thank you and go on their merry way. It’s a small task — and it really DOES make a huge difference. I really wish more people would show appreciation to those who are serving, have served, and who support those who did/are (their families need our appreciation too!). After all, it’s good manners … and I guarantee that you’ll feed good inside when you do.

Who knows you may just make somebody’s day!

Humpday Hilarities – Birthday Edition

Before I get started, I’d like to thank everyone for the warm birthday wishes. Y’all really make my day.

This first funny is courtesy of Don:

How did you break your arm?

Even if you aren’t a skier, you’ll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New Orleans paper:

A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah With The kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody’s heart.

Conditions were perfect…12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over…the “Tell me when we’re having fun” kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was Sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a Powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the Pain did not go away. If you’ve ever had nature hit its panic button, you then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn’t help matters.

With time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her, “The white will provide more than adequate camouflage.”

So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing. If you’ve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don’t move.

Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving… even during the most embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, Racing through the trees…somehow missing all of them and onto another slope.

Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon.

The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital.

While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. “So, how’d you break your leg?” she asked, making small talk. “It was the stupidest thing you ever saw,” he said. “I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn’t believe my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift….

So, how’d you break your arm?”

And these are courtesy of my Cotillion sister, Janette:

The Talking Dog

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?”

“Roof!” the dog replies.

“Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.”

“No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel like?”

“Rough!” the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience.

“No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you. ” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?”

“Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scount, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.

And the dog turns to the guy and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”

Alligator Shoes

A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting. “I don’t give two hoots for your shoes man, I’ll go and kill my own gator!” to which the shopkeeper replied,

“By all means, just watch out for those two good ole boys who are doing the same!”

So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. ‘They must be the good ole boys,’ he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer.

Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several gators were already laying. Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, whereupon one exclaimed “Darn! This one don’t have no shoes neither!”

The License

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. It is not polite.”

“OK,” the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions and are really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

“Those are enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.”

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shock now.

“How in heavens name did you find that out?”

And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?”

“Because you got an F in sex.”

Origins

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, “How did I get here?”

Her mother told her, “God sent you.”

“Did God send you, too?” asked the child.

“Yes, Dear,” the mother replied.

“What about Grandma and Grandpa?” the child persisted.

“He sent them also” the mother said.

“Did he send their parents, too?” asked the child.

“Yes, Dear, He did,” said the mother patiently.
“So you’re telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone’s so damn grumpy around here.”

A lonely woman, age 70, decided it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70′S)
MUST NOT BEAT ME
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON

On the second day she heard the door bell ring. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said “You’re not really asking me to consider you? You have no legs.”

The Old Man smiled, “Therefore I cannot run around on you.”

She snorted, “You don’t have any arms either.”

Again he smiled, “Nor can I beat you.”

She raised her eyebrow and gazed intently, “Are you still good in bed?”

With that the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, ” I rang the doorbell didn’t I?”

And this one is from my Cotillion sister, Kathleen:

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down and sweated for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

And last but not least, this is from my pal Sarah:

What if WWII were an MMORTS

(MMORTS = Massively Multiplayer Online Real Time Strategy)

It’s written like a chat log between a handful of gamers, except it pretty well sums up World War II. There’s a bit of language, but funny as hell if you like gaming/history humor.

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