These funnies came courtesy of my mother:

Grandma’s Pie

Granny Adams made such beautiful pies! One day, I asked her, ‘How do you get such beautiful pies with the crimps around the edge so even?’

‘Well, it’s a family secret,’ she said. ‘But if you promise not to tell, I’ll let you in on it.’

‘Okay,’ I said. ‘Tell me!’

‘Well, first, I roll out the dough, making sure it is flat and even.

Then I cut out the bottom layer and carefully put it in the pie plate and make sure it is firmly against the sides of the plate.

Then I slowly pour in the filling, making sure it’s not too full.

Next, I cut out the top layer and carefully put it over the filling.

Finally, I take out my teeth and just run them around the edge of the pie crust and they make the nicest even impressions you ever did see!’

Eek! LOL!!

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.”

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”

Sorry, the funny bits are late. So, without further ado … via Cookie:

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.

A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, ‘Are you a stranger here?’

He replies, ‘I lived here years ago.’

‘So, where were you all these years?’

‘In prison,’ he says.

‘Why did they put you in prison?’

He looked at her, and very quietly said, ‘I killed my wife.’

‘Oh!’ said the woman. ‘So you’re single…?!’

LOL! What’s sad … I know women like that! ;P

A little old man shuffled slowly into the ‘Orange Dipper’, an ice cream parlor in Leesburg, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ he replied, ‘hemorrhoids.’

Today’s funny bits come courtesy of Cookie:

Bubba’s 21st Birthday

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Bubba’s 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat … and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. “Grandma,” he asked, “it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk ‘cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?”

Granny looked deeply into Bubba’s troubled eyes and said, “Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July , you frickin’ idiot.”

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

‘Do you enjoy it?’ The doctor asked. ‘ Well actually, yes, I do.’, she exclaimed.

‘Does it hurt you?’ he asked. ‘No. I rather like it.’

‘Well, then,’ the doctor continued, ‘there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.’

The woman was mystified….’What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?’

‘Of course,’ the doctor replied. ‘Where do you think politicians come from’?

Today’s funny comes courtesy of my mother:

Post Turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.

The old rancher said, “Well, ya know, Obama is a ‘post turtle’.” Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post turtle’ was. The old rancher said, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a ‘post turtle’.”

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain. “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a person put him up there.”

These two funny bits come courtesy of Cookie:

Sportsmanship……

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?” The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?” Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, “And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb ass’ is it?” Again the little boy nodded.

“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”

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Wife knows everything.

And this one comes courtesy of my mother:

A teacher in Elmira , New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different..

Little Johnny says, ‘Because I’m not an Obama fan.’ The teacher says, ‘Why aren’t you an Obama fan?’ Johnny says, ‘Because I’m a Republican.’ The teacher asks him why he’s a Republican. Little Johnny answered, ‘Well, my mom’s a Republican and my dad’s a Republican, so I’m a Republican’ The teacher asks, ‘If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?’

With a big smile, Little Johnny replies, ‘That would make me an Obama fan.’