What are Humpday Hilarities?

I get funny bits, jokes, and all sorts of things emailed to me by friends and relatives. I decided a while back that I would post these once a week on my blog, and so the weekly "Humpday Hilarities" posts were born. As the name suggests, I post these every Wednesday -- or try to. (Hey, sometimes life gets in the way.) I won't promise that they'll all be 100% work-safe, but I usually try to keep it clean.

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Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this one courtesy of Jeff on Facebook:

One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner, Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. “Mother Potato?” she said, “I have an announcement to make.”

“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well,” replied the daughter with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?”

“I’m marrying a Russet!”

“A Russet!” replied Mother Potato with pride. “Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!”

As the family shared in the eldest daughter’s joy, the middle daughter spoke up. “Mother? I, too, have an announcement.”

“And what might that be?” encouraged Mother Potato.

Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, “I, too, am getting married!”

“You, too!” Mother Potato said with joy. “That’s wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?”

“I’m marrying an Idaho!” beamed the middle daughter.

“An Idaho!” said Mother Potato with joy. “Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!”

Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. “Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make.”

“Yes?” said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

“Well,” began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, “I hope this doesn’t come as a shock to you, but I am getting married as well!”

“Really?” said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. “All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?”

“I’m marrying Dan Rather!”

“DAN RATHER?!” Mother Potato scowled suddenly. “But he’s just a common tater!”

This one is courtesy of The Daily What:

This next one is courtesy of Lisa:

New Direct TV Commercial

“When your cable goes out, you can’t study game film.

When you can’t study game film, you lose to Alabama.

When you lose to Alabama, you get depressed.

When you get depressed, you buy a Harley.

When you buy a Harley, you meet hot, young ex-volleyball players.

When you meet hot, young ex-volleyball players, you go on joy rides.

When you go on joy rides, you end up in a roadside ditch.

Don’t end up in a roadside ditch.”

Humpday Hilarities

This week’s funnies start off with these gems from Cookie:

A Great Hunt

Shot my first turkey yesterday!

Scared the sh*t outta everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!

Gettin’ old is so much fun…

This one is courtesy of my buddy Dave:

It all began with an iPhone

March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn’t?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter’s birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started…

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital next week!

Humpday Hilarities to resume!

I’m really sorry it has taken so long. I am getting things back in order and plan to start posting these again next week.

Stay tuned, and thanks for putting up with me!

Humpday Hilarities

This week’s funnies start off with this one from I Can Has Cheezburger:

And this one is courtesy of Facebook:

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with this funny shared on Facebook by George Takei:

And these gems are courtesy of Cookie:

Today’s Truth

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Here is absolute proof that they are wrong:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say “It would be nice to have another child.”

You will NEVER hear a guy say, “I would like another kick in the nuts”.

Secrets to a long happy marriage

An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband. She says, “I love you so much, I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”

Her husband asks, “Is that you, or the wine talking?”

She replies, “It’s me … talking to the wine.”

Humpday Hilarities

Howdy folks! My apologies for the lack of funnies last week. I was experiencing some self-imposed technical difficulties with this site’s software (read: I tried to upgrade it on 2 hours’ sleep and failed) but things have been successfully restored and I will try the update again at a better time (read: when I’m not a zombie), likely this weekend.

Today’s funny is courtesy of Cookie:

I have often wondered why it is that Conservatives are called the “right” and Liberals are called the “left.”

By chance I stumbled upon this verse in the Bible: “The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left.” — Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV)

Thus sayeth the Lord. Amen.

Can’t get any simpler than that. Except:

Your Spelling Lesson

The last four letters in American……….I Can

The last four letters in Republican……..I Can

The last four letters in Democrats………Rats

End of lesson. Test to follow in November, 2012

Remember, November is being set aside as National Rodent Removal month.

Humpday Hilarities

I have a couple for y’all today. This first one is courtesy of Cookie. Not only funny, but word to the wise as well.

Gun Wisdom

Some words to the wise. Shooting advice from various Concealed Carry instructors. If you own a gun, you will appreciate this. If not, you should get one and learn how to use it.

A; Guns have only two enemies: rust and politicians.

B; Its always better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6.

C; Cops carry guns to protect themselves, not you.

D; Never let someone or something that threatens you get inside your arm’s length.

E; Never say “I’ve got a gun.” If you need to use deadly force, the first sound they hear should be the safety clicking off.

F; The average response time of a 911 call is 23 minutes, the response time of a .357 is 1400 feet per second.

G; The most important rule in a gunfight is: Always win — cheat if necessary but win.

H; Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets … You may get killed with your own gun, but he’ll have to beat you to death with it ’cause it’ll be empty.

I; If you’re in a gun fight:

1. If you’re not shooting, you should be loading.
2. If you’re not loading, you should be movin.
3. If you’re not movin’, you’re dead.

J; In a life and death situation, don’t just stand there. Do something … It may be wrong, but do something!

K; If you carry a gun, people call you paranoid. Nonsense! If you have a gun, what do you have to be paranoid about?

L; You can say ‘stop’ or ‘alto’ or any other word, but a large bore muzzle pointed at someone’s head is pretty much a universal language.

M; You cannot save the planet, but you may be able to save yourself and your family.

This next one has been shared with me by several people on Facebook:

A son decided his mother could not live alone anymore, she was just too senile. So he decided to take her to all the homes in the district to decide which one she liked the most.

The first one was a pleasant surprise. Lovely gardens, lots of oldsters chatting happily. The owner offered to take the son on a tour around the premises, so he sat his mom in the middle of a big sofa, and went off for the tour.

The attendant noticed the old lady was slumping, tilting to her right. She promptly straightened the old lady up, padded her right side, and called the nurse. About 5 minutes later, the old lady, with a fixed look on her face, started tilting to her left. The nurse straightened her up, add padded her with more cushions, wondering if she should call the doctor.

A few minutes later, the old lady started to slump forwards, and again, the routine of straightening her up and padding with cushions.

The son arrived at that moment:

“Mom, this place is a paradise. Lovely staff, game rooms, good food, big garden, nice inmates! You’ll love it!”

His mother retorted, “Love it my arse. It’s a bloody prison camp. They won’t even let me fart … “

Humpday Hilarities

Today’s funnies start off with these from Cookie:

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.”

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said,”You were close! The number was 7. Sorry.No sex this time.”

A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.”

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, “I think that game is RIGGED, and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”

George replied, “No it ain’t, Billy Ray. It ain’t rigged. My wife Thelma won twice last week!”

Catholic Last Rites

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man.

He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

“A priest. Somebody get me a priest!” the man gasped.

Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, “A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn’t there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?”

Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s.

“Mr. Policeman,” said the man, “I’m not a priest. I’m not even a Christian. But for 50 years now, I’m living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue, and every night I’m overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man.”

The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay.

The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice:

“B-5 … I-19 … N-38 … G-54 … O-72″

President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.

“Walter,” responds the little boy.

“And what is your question, Walter?”

“I have four questions: First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress? Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it’s actually gotten worse? Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs? Fourth, why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?”

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, “OK, where were we? Oh, that’s right: question time. Who has a question?”

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

“Steve,” he responds.

“And what is your question, Steve?”

“Actually, I have two questions. First, why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early? Second, what the f*ck happened to Walter?”

This funny is courtesy of I Can Has Cheezburger:

And this one I got from The Mary Sue. It’s not so much funny, more like very cool.

Humpday Hilarities

Sorry y’all, I’m a day late. I’d like to say it was a blackout in protest of SOPA/PIPA, but the truth is I have still been sick and went to see the doctor, got some stronger meds, and spent most of the day in bed. It turns out I have a sinus and ear infection, which is why I couldn’t get over the gunk. But I’m feeling MUCH better today!

I have a couple funnies to share, the first being from I Has a Hotdog:

And this one is apparently a preview for Volkswagen’s upcoming Superbowl ad:

Humpday Hilarities

Funnies are back! My apologies for the unannounced hiatus, the holidays snuck up on me and I have been sick for the past 3-4 weeks. I needed the time off!

But, we’re back and have plenty for this week! So without further ado, let’s start off with these from Cookie:

Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, ‘Hey, Vern! How ya doin?’

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

‘Oh no,’ says Vern. ‘He’s in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, ‘How did she know that you drink Budweiser?’

‘I recognize her, she’s the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.’

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says, ‘Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?’

Vern’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, ‘Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.’

A newly retired cop was walking down the street, on his way to a retired cops breakfast, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for a meal. The retired cop took out his wallet, extracted a twenty dollar bill and asked the guy, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of food?” “No, I had to stop drinking many years ago when I was a cop,” the homeless man replied.

“You were once a cop?” “Yes,” the homeless man replied. “On the force for 12 years, until I was fired for drinking on duty and I lost my retirement after wrecking a patrol car the same day.”

“Will you use this $20 to only buy donuts and coffee instead of buying nutritious food?” “No, I don’t waste time with sugary foods,” the homeless man said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive and eat as well as I can.”

“Will you spend this $20 on greens fees at a golf course instead of good food?” “Are you nuts?” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years since I was fired from the force.”

“Will you spend the money on a woman over in the red light Tenderloin District instead of buying good food?” “What disease would I get for a lousy twenty bucks? I hate whores.” exclaimed the homeless man.

“Well,” said the retired cop, “I’m not going to give you the money now. Instead, I’m going to take you to a terrific cops breakfast around the corner and get you to tell the retired cops your story, then you get the money.”

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t these officers be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting, man.” The retired cop replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for them all to see what a cop looks like after he has given up beer, donuts, golf and sex.”

And even though the holidays are passed, I still thought this was worth sharing!

Both Don and Cookie sent me that one, as well as several people on Facebook. I love Aunt Chippy!

Last and certainly not least we got this one from Don:

A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher. The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”

“Well, as a matter of fact, I have!” she smiled. “I’ve been divorced three times, owned two Chrysler’s and I voted for Obama.”

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