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Humpday Hilarities

I have a handful today!

This one is from Jerri:

By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere”, he pleaded with a proprietor.

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy” admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you..

” No problem.” the tired Army guy assured him, “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the soldier came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed.

“How’d you sleep?” asked the manager.

“Never better”, said the soldier.

The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?”

“No, I shut him up in no time”, explained the soldier.

“How’d you manage that?” asked the proprietor..

“Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek” explained the soldier. “Then, I whispered in his ear ‘Good night beautiful’, and he sat up all night watching me.”

This one is from my Neopets guildmate, Rose:

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.

She sat by him.

He whispered, eyes full of tears, ‘You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side . . .

You know what?’

‘What dear?’ She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

‘I think you’re bad luck, f*ck off!’

Here’s another one from Jerri:

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door — pet nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years — canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That’s why they call it ‘fur’niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

Remember: Pets are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don’t ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don’t smoke or drink
8. Don’t have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don’t want to wear your clothes
10. Don’t need a gazillion dollars for college.

AND …

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children!!

This one is from my mother:

Sick Leave

I really needed a few days off from work, but I knew the boss wouldn’t give me time off. I thought that maybe if I acted “crazy,” then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down from the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so the boss might think I was desperately in need of a few days off.

A few minutes later, the boss came into the office and asked, “What in the world are you doing?”

I told him I was a light bulb. He said, “You are clearly stressed out. Go home and rest for a couple of days.” I jumped down and walked out of the office.

However, when my co-worker started to follow me, our boss called out, “And where do you think you’re going?”

She said, “I’m going home too. I can’t work in the dark.”

And last but not least, a little ‘Bama humor

Two Auburn students were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.

One says to the other, ‘Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?’

The second one replies, ‘Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!’

The first one says, with wide eyes, ‘Wow, they aren’t very expensive. At this price, I’m buying one.’

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. ‘Good idea! Order one and if she’s as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.’

Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, ‘Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?’

The second redneck replies, ‘No, but it shouldn’t be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!’

Humpday Hilarities

This one comes courtesy of the lovely Miranda:

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine replied, “Sir, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn’t reside here”. The old man said, “Okay”, and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama”. The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn’t reside here”.

The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama”. The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already several times that Mr. Obama is not the President and doesn’t reside here. Don’t you understand?”

The old man answered, “Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!”

The Marine then snapped to attention, saluted and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir.”

And this one from my NP guildmate, Rose:

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine… and those who don’t.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - the bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.

Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I’m doing it as a public service.

Neo-bragging

I’ve really enjoyed playing Neopets again, they have the cutest little flash games. On days when I’ve come home tired and just need a little escape time, it’s been a welcome retreat. Of course, Jessie likes that I’m playing again because that means she gets to play on my account from time to time.

This morning I was doing my dailies and gained a very unexpected prize:

Sweet! Selling that paintbrush will help push me closer to one of my goals: a complete Lab map. I’ve only 4 more pieces to go. It’s (IMO) the best buy for anyone looking to up their pets’ stats (and appearance) with minimal effort.

Even better, I hit the Symol hole and gained an avatar there, along with a few NPs:

I’ve been playing nearly 6 years and had never hit either one of these … :mrgreen: Sweeeeeet!!

WordPress updated

It’s over with, and it wasn’t too painful. At least I remembered to update my WP-Config this time.

That said, I’ve been hearing horror stories from others who’ve tried to upgrade, so I guess I’m counting myself lucky. So far I’ve updated this site and BYKYC. I’ll most likely be doing the others later this week (or whenever time allows).

My darling Jim passed this gem to me and I know there are a couple readers here who’ve asked me if I knew of such a thing: WordPress Automatic Upgrade. The website says it’s compatible with the latest version of WP, but I have not yet had a chance to try it out myself. (may do so on a less ‘popular’ site, LOL!)

An update on things …

New Orleans was fun, but like all vacations it wasn’t long enough. Work has been absolute Hell lately, and the insurance company that we’ve been trying to settle with (remember my wreck, going on 2 months ago?) is giving us the run-around, so I’m stressing a bit more than usual.

To those who’ve asked about the Lunarpages WordPress Theme Design contest, no I didn’t win anything. But I am VERY grateful to those who voted for me! There’s been some speculation as to how the deciding votes (LP staff?) really came out, but in all honesty I’m just happy being nominated … for now. ;P

Speaking of theme designs, I’ve submitted a handful of mine to the new WordPress Theme Directory. So hopefully those will show up soon.

SA on the slow track …

I feel pretty bad that I haven’t gotten as much done on my Soldiers’ Angels stuff as I’d hoped. I am beginning to think that maybe I’ve bitten off more than I can chew in helping the warehouse/donations tracking, Walmart grants, all the websites, and even my own projects here for SA of Alabama. I’m feeling VERY overwhelmed, and frankly a little disappointed because the local response hasn’t gone as well as I’d been hoping.

There is a glimmer of hope though. A gentleman waved at me while stopped at a redlight last week and told me that he saw my bumper stickers (Soldiers’ Angels) and that he just had to thank me for supporting our soldiers. I’m not in SA for any kind of recognition or personal glory, but it IS nice feeling appreciated, and reminds me of why I want to do so much …

Geekery

About three weeks ago I heard from one of my old Neopets buddies, Rose. We talked for a bit and caught each other up on how our families were doing, and the usual. She nudged me about possibly re-joining Neopets, so on a whim I did. My character name this time around is BamaAngels so if you’re on, look me up!

(boy, what I wouldn’t give to have all that NP stuff I gave away, LOL!!!)

Also, I am now an active Editor for Addons.Mozilla.org again. I feel badly for neglecting those duties for so long, but am happy to say that I’m now back and trying to do a little each week to help out the AMO gang.

My budding writer

Jessie’s class has been learning to write essays over the past couple weeks. That girl loves to write and I’ve read several of her stories that she’s written on her own. She has a great imagination, and I told her that she should keep writing even if it’s just for fun. (after all, I got my poetry and for a short time did write several short stories and published two of them)

So far, for her assignments, she’s written about karate and cartoons — two subjects she knows very well. LOL! Her assignment this week has been to write a description 5 paragraph essay. She was showing it to me last night — she wrote about dogs. She mentioned that her teacher encouraged her to write about something else (as the majority of the class wrote about animals!), and she was stumped and out of ideas.

I named off several things that she knows well: her various video games (UT!!), Harry Potter, Webkinz (too much like animals she said), Neopets, … she rejected them all and I was running out of ideas. Looking over across the den, we have a box of wedding stuff waiting to go into storage. I suggest writing about her part in the wedding. No dice. My next suggestion: How about the honeymoon?

“Huh?” LOL, she gave me a puzzled look that made me laugh, “You know, Disney World?”

Her face lit up like the 4th of July. Eureka! I hit gold. :mrgreen:

She scrapped the paper she had previously written and started at once writing a new one. She let me read it just before bedtime last night and she wrote more about the hotel cafeteria and pool than the Disney World park itself. LOL!

Good thing we went there instead of the royal caribbean cruise I had been eying, hehe.

So my little budding writer was all happy and giddy when I left for work this morning. She was still talking about the paper she wrote last night and can’t wait for her teacher to read it.

That’s my girl! :cool:

I’m sure I just made somebody’s day

I decided to close my Neopets account. In the course of 20 minutes, I’ve squandered about 3 million Neopoints and am in the process now of cleaning out my NP Safety Deposit box. Looking for a way to get rid of the virtual funds quickly, I loaded up on expensive items and donated them to the Money Tree:

I’m sure some poor n00b or two just had a heart attack, LOL!

Need a boost?

Chrissy, one of my lovely Neopets Guild members, sent me this over the weekend:

1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don’t like you.
5. Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don’t even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

And always remember: when Life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!

Amen on that number 9 … although I went through all Bloody Hell with my ex, I met Jim because of it.

*sappy*

Theme update: Anubis

A design for a friend’s blog, this theme features the Neopets petpet Anubis. A simple theme, 2 columns, left sidebar — sorry, this one’s no frills. ;P

UPDATES: Fixed text around comment boxes and inside textarea. Also set comments overflow to hidden (due to breaks on demo site).

Preview:

Download

New theme: Anubis

A design for a friend’s blog, this theme features the Neopets petpet Anubis. A simple theme, 2 columns, left sidebar — sorry, this one’s no frills. ;P

Preview:

Download

Start Page meme

Ok, so it’s not really a meme, but just something I’m curious about and would love some feedback from you lot.

Reminder to LJ’ers: plz reply on my site, or I won’t see your comments. *g*

What do you use as your start page or ‘home page’?

Mine is Firefox AMO: Developer’s Login.

OK, so I’m a little geeky but you all know that about me (or should by now, heh); and besides, that’s where I spend a good deal of my time nowadays. But I have also used my WordPress dashboard as well as my Neopets portal.

I’m curious as to where y’all “start” the proverbial browsing day …

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