My mother sent in this one:

Who hasn’t had this happen to them?

You find something festive that you would like to slip into.

It seems a little small, but you’re QUITE SURE that in recent years, you’ve worn this size. So you work with it.

You try it on different ways…..

From different angles you examine yourself.

Finally, you admit that it does feel A LITTLE tight.

Someone offers you a larger size, which you find highly insulting.

I mean, it might be a tight fit, but you still look GOOD!

Hey, we have all been there!

One of my coworkers sent me this:

The Female Demerit System

Do something she likes. You get points.
Do something she dislikes. Points are subtracted.
You do not get any points for doing something she expects.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her something she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But return with Beer (-5)

… return with her favorite vodka (+25)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It is her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while and then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+3) Okay. It is a sports bar (-2)
And it’s all you can eat night (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all you can eat night and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

Ok, in all fairness to guys … if we’re there watching MY team +100 points. If we’re there watching HIS team, -100 points.

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It’s called Death Cop (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say ‘It doesn’t matter. You have one also.’ (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks ‘Do I look fat?’ (-5)
Yes, you lose points no matter what.
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply ‘Where?’ (-35)
Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem you listen, displaying a concerned expression (0)
You listen 30 minutes (+50)
You listen 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

These funnies came courtesy of my mother:

Grandma’s Pie

Granny Adams made such beautiful pies! One day, I asked her, ‘How do you get such beautiful pies with the crimps around the edge so even?’

‘Well, it’s a family secret,’ she said. ‘But if you promise not to tell, I’ll let you in on it.’

‘Okay,’ I said. ‘Tell me!’

‘Well, first, I roll out the dough, making sure it is flat and even.

Then I cut out the bottom layer and carefully put it in the pie plate and make sure it is firmly against the sides of the plate.

Then I slowly pour in the filling, making sure it’s not too full.

Next, I cut out the top layer and carefully put it over the filling.

Finally, I take out my teeth and just run them around the edge of the pie crust and they make the nicest even impressions you ever did see!’

Eek! LOL!!

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.”

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket I’ll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.”

Sorry, the funny bits are late. So, without further ado … via Cookie:

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.

A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, ‘Are you a stranger here?’

He replies, ‘I lived here years ago.’

‘So, where were you all these years?’

‘In prison,’ he says.

‘Why did they put you in prison?’

He looked at her, and very quietly said, ‘I killed my wife.’

‘Oh!’ said the woman. ‘So you’re single…?!’

LOL! What’s sad … I know women like that! ;P

A little old man shuffled slowly into the ‘Orange Dipper’, an ice cream parlor in Leesburg, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ he replied, ‘hemorrhoids.’

Today’s funny bits come courtesy of Cookie:

Bubba’s 21st Birthday

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Bubba’s 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat … and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. “Grandma,” he asked, “it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk ‘cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?”

Granny looked deeply into Bubba’s troubled eyes and said, “Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July , you frickin’ idiot.”

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

‘Do you enjoy it?’ The doctor asked. ‘ Well actually, yes, I do.’, she exclaimed.

‘Does it hurt you?’ he asked. ‘No. I rather like it.’

‘Well, then,’ the doctor continued, ‘there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.’

The woman was mystified….’What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?’

‘Of course,’ the doctor replied. ‘Where do you think politicians come from’?