© Nicki Faulk / Www.Nitallica.Org

"I Loved You First"

I dreamed about you last night.  Part of me wishes that I hadn't.  Having to relive those moments of our love, the happier times, before the betrayal; only to realize now that I yearn for you still, that I miss your intense gazes, and that I long to feel your touch, your kiss.

Though I may spend my days with another, I think of you still.  After all, I loved you first, didn't I?  And although I may move on to another love after you're gone, that does not mean that I have forgotten.

I still hear your voice, see your eyes, and miss your smile.  And while I'd like to believe you loved me the only way you could, I still cannot help but feel cheated.  There's so much more I could have shown you, and that I could have shared.  Yet you shied away from me ... Why?

Though I do not doubt that you must have loved me some, it was not enough.  My needs were too great and your doubts still lingered, holding you away from me.  And though I would give anything to have you back again in my arms, I know that it cannot be.

I shake and cry as I write:  I miss you so fucking much.  And I still love you.  No one can give back to me that which you have taken.  Part of me thinks that I would not want it back.  Take it, it's yours.  Afterall, I loved you first, didn't I?

Two children of Love are we that we're still discovering and growing.  My wish is to have you back, but I know that Misery would soon accompany me, and we would be right back where we stand now.

I lie here and wonder where you are tonight.  I wonder if the love I thought I had is fading?  Who knows?  All I do know is that, in him, I see a lot of you, and that scares me.  The last thing I need right now is another broken heart -- be it mine or his.

I want so desperately to love him the way I loved you, but sometimes I fear that may be impossible.  It seems that just when I think I've got it all figured out, Life decides to fuck with me.

I remember vividly the day you left and it hurts me as much now as it did then.  Specter of Love, why do you torment me still?  Lie down, let me go, please.

I close my eyes and see your face as if you were still here with me.  Hot tears stream down my face as memories come flooding -- drowning me -- reminding me that I still yearn for that beautiful thing, that perfect love.

He loves me still, yet it is for you that I still mourn.  Afterall, I loved you first, didn't I?